I never really thought I would utter these words but I have cancer. Oh, it's just breast cancer, I will be fine. It's an ordeal, breast cancer is not easy, but people do seem to react, with it's just breast cancer. Yes. Any cancer is a real sign something is wrong with the body. Treatment directed at the disease will save you but finding what's going on in the body will really save you. It's fatigue... life, food, spiritual fatigue.
Every moment is our teacher. Sometimes the lessons loop and loop. Sometimes the obstacles are clarifications there to focus our thoughts even deeper in a way we never thought of. It's all there for us, to teach us, to heal us.
The most subtle thoughts, ideas, realizations are there between the thoughts almost so subtle we don't notice but they come back, still subtle. Day to day lives may not give another thought , the attention amongst our other thoughts, stimulation that is life. I'm not sure our bodies, minds and spirits are designed for the amount of stimulation we are subjected to in this 21st century paradigm. It is our own design and it is around money and packing in every possible experience and bit of entertainment we can muster. Overload.
So with all this overload where is the room for the subtle slow breathing that heals our organs. For preparing meals that are sourced and prepared in a nutritionally dense fashion. Where is the time for simple exercise, contemplation, finding the self.
The lessons loop. They loop around and around. They get louder, they get traction and manifest as subtle messages then illness, loss, disease.
We are amazingly resilient beings. Our bodies are a miraculous design of enzymes, cells, tissues organs and energies that are so sophisticated even the world's most brilliant minds cannot comprehend. The body's mastery is nothing but miraculous. It's design, if nothing else, is evidence of God, an omniscient being. a perfect being with mastery beyond any human comprehension.
So that body is designed to adapt, heal, compensate. It has a healing capacity built in. Our modern medicine is designed to treat symptoms. Symptoms arise when the body can't heal itself, which it is perfectly designed to do.
So what when we have symptoms of disease?
Last year after taking a course of a new pain medicine I started a reaction I couldn't see or feel until the damage was done. I had a severe gallbladder attack. The gallbladder is an organ we don't need...well to me that's debatable, it came in our body and it works closely with the stomach pancreas and the liver. It holds excess bile from the stomach and when that bile builds up it develops stones. Those stones are painful and have to be removed along with the gall bladder. It's an organ. I had to have my organ removed. No one told me the reason my organ failed. I moved on.
Well not so fast. After having the gall bladder removed, which was done in an emergency surgery situation I came home and started vomiting again. Hmm.. My husband had overheard the doctor say something about losing a stone during surgery. Subtle thought between thoughts. It stayed with him, he's pretty awake. So when I got home and started vomiting again, awful, prolifically again, can't stop eyes popping out gut wrenching vomiting again. The missing stone came to mind.
Well if you thought you missed a stone then why didn't you try to fish it out when you were in there? I'm home, sewed up, done..
Who does that? Time for a new surgeon. More tests... Upper GI. Drink contrast dye, then they inject another dye that makes you flush. I flushed, and flushed, and my heart didn't like it nor my lungs. Difficulty breathing, heart pounding like it was out of my body a mallot pounding on my chest, it felt like an artificial machine that took over, the rest of my body a limp rag giving all the energy possible to this heart. I could not believe it was my body. I was a whitness to this experience. But alert enough to shake this radiology technician out of her freaked out freeze. ...I....NEED...HELP.... BENADRYL.... CALL 911. I have called in the doctor, I can't call 911 until the doctor has come he will give you iv Benadryl. Pounding like a mac truck on top of my tiny body (ok not so tiny but comparatively). His shot did nothing. Harder to breathe, I feel like I am fading. It's getting too hard to do this.
PLEASE HURRY 911.
They come, give me a much better antedote. The mac truck is now a UPS truck. I'm happy with this. Ambulance. Heart studies for 3 days. I'm fine. It was a reaction to contrast dye. Don't use that again. OK.
But umm, I still have a stone in my liver duct, is it ok it's still there and I cant really eat?
I need to schedule that surgery with a busy surgeon. I have picked a new one, hopefully one that won't leave the stone in my liver duct and talk about it after surgery. Like I wonder where I put my keys, I'll look later...
I finally get to have a procedure to get the stone out of my bile duct. Umm...we have to use contrast dye to do this and well, we'll pump your body, under anesthesia with steroids and Benadryl until it won't react to the dye and then use it again. Don't worry you will be under anesthesia and it will be under control.
Too weak to fight anymore. God, I may be meeting you soon.
I made it! Alive! Stone gone, yay. I get to leave the hospital. Just liquid diet. I don't care, happy to lose weight and be home.
I started vomiting about 12 am. This seems to be my time. It's happened 4 times now. It's when we digest those meals we have at 7 pm after the busy day. Digestion wasn't working, something was wrong. Vomiting is the most scary and pain the most severe yet. I'm a chronic pain patient so pain is something I am used to. Not this pain. Something's very wrong.
My poor husband, can I wake him up AGAIN to ask him to take me to the hospital. Can it wait until AM? I waited until 4, those excruciating hours were the slowest hours of my life. I'm afraid. What is going on the pain is excruciating.
We went to a new ER facility closer to home but still affiliated to our hospital. I didn't even tell you about our lovely hospital experiences. There is no question in my mind that the health care system is so overburdened that the care is significantly suffering. It's mind boggling and maybe this is a different blog. Hospital experiences. That's a book. Really. Good and bad...
I am brought into the ER. Diagnosis Pancreatitis. I just had gall bladder surgery and then surgery to remove stone from bile duct. Ok mam but this is pancreatitis. I am asked 6 ways to Sunday if I drink alcohol. No, I'm a chronic pain patient. I do not drink. I am not believed. My husband is taken aside. Is she drunk? No. She doesn't drink. Well we won't treat her or give her pain meds until we double check her alcohol level. We need to know how much she had to drink. She doesnt' drink. Well I guess some people hide it well and so their husband might deny it (not really probably not but trying to not be so hard on them..Iguess it happens)...umm do I look like I drink too much? No red nose, blood veins in the nose, what do they look for. I'm hooked up to iv and throwing up so much I have a bucket glued to my face I can't even wretch anymore. They need me to go into the bathroom to pee. Really? My husbands having a fit. How about a bed pan? No. I get up and pee. I will do anything to make this pain go away.
Surprise! No alcohol in my system. Ok it will just be an hour for us to get your meds sent from pharmacy.
I made it but was in the hospital for 5 days. After having endoscopic surgery on the upper GI tract they can make the pancreas angry. Well the pancreas is a very important organ.
It turns out to be why a lot of things have happened to me and also the solution of some other things. And
with our American diet the pancreas needs help. Enzyme help. If we ate from the ground in our back yards we might be fine. But we don't in fact a lot of us don't eat the wholesome vegetables and fruits our bodies were built and designed around. Because of our fast lives we need it to be ready. A plant is not ready to eat between soccer practice and cotillion.
Pancreatic enzymes allow our immune system to fight off other things. You see our food/quality of food, digestion and lifestyle? It's hurting our immune system. Digesting unknown substances, processing everything, trying to seek out nutrients in the yoga mat of a burger roll, the iron in a processed burger that's complete with antibiotics and hormones from the cow that gave it to us. The fries, oh there's potato in there? It's a job and a half. And the immune system can't be doing other important things that are so complicated I can't even tell you. A printed chart of the chemical processes in our bodies at every second functioning of our digestion and our cells could not fit on the wall in your living room. The immune system is in there.
Why this whole big long story? My story went from chronic pain to cancer.
Every moment is our teacher. Sometimes the lessons loop and loop. Sometimes the obstacles are clarifications there to focus our thoughts even deeper in a way we never thought of. It's all there for us, to teach us, to heal us.
The most subtle thoughts, ideas, realizations are there between the thoughts almost so subtle we don't notice but they come back, still subtle. Day to day lives may not give another thought , the attention amongst our other thoughts, stimulation that is life. I'm not sure our bodies, minds and spirits are designed for the amount of stimulation we are subjected to in this 21st century paradigm. It is our own design and it is around money and packing in every possible experience and bit of entertainment we can muster. Overload.
So with all this overload where is the room for the subtle slow breathing that heals our organs. For preparing meals that are sourced and prepared in a nutritionally dense fashion. Where is the time for simple exercise, contemplation, finding the self.
The lessons loop. They loop around and around. They get louder, they get traction and manifest as subtle messages then illness, loss, disease.
We are amazingly resilient beings. Our bodies are a miraculous design of enzymes, cells, tissues organs and energies that are so sophisticated even the world's most brilliant minds cannot comprehend. The body's mastery is nothing but miraculous. It's design, if nothing else, is evidence of God, an omniscient being. a perfect being with mastery beyond any human comprehension.
So that body is designed to adapt, heal, compensate. It has a healing capacity built in. Our modern medicine is designed to treat symptoms. Symptoms arise when the body can't heal itself, which it is perfectly designed to do.
So what when we have symptoms of disease?
Last year after taking a course of a new pain medicine I started a reaction I couldn't see or feel until the damage was done. I had a severe gallbladder attack. The gallbladder is an organ we don't need...well to me that's debatable, it came in our body and it works closely with the stomach pancreas and the liver. It holds excess bile from the stomach and when that bile builds up it develops stones. Those stones are painful and have to be removed along with the gall bladder. It's an organ. I had to have my organ removed. No one told me the reason my organ failed. I moved on.
Well not so fast. After having the gall bladder removed, which was done in an emergency surgery situation I came home and started vomiting again. Hmm.. My husband had overheard the doctor say something about losing a stone during surgery. Subtle thought between thoughts. It stayed with him, he's pretty awake. So when I got home and started vomiting again, awful, prolifically again, can't stop eyes popping out gut wrenching vomiting again. The missing stone came to mind.
Well if you thought you missed a stone then why didn't you try to fish it out when you were in there? I'm home, sewed up, done..
Who does that? Time for a new surgeon. More tests... Upper GI. Drink contrast dye, then they inject another dye that makes you flush. I flushed, and flushed, and my heart didn't like it nor my lungs. Difficulty breathing, heart pounding like it was out of my body a mallot pounding on my chest, it felt like an artificial machine that took over, the rest of my body a limp rag giving all the energy possible to this heart. I could not believe it was my body. I was a whitness to this experience. But alert enough to shake this radiology technician out of her freaked out freeze. ...I....NEED...HELP.... BENADRYL.... CALL 911. I have called in the doctor, I can't call 911 until the doctor has come he will give you iv Benadryl. Pounding like a mac truck on top of my tiny body (ok not so tiny but comparatively). His shot did nothing. Harder to breathe, I feel like I am fading. It's getting too hard to do this.
PLEASE HURRY 911.
They come, give me a much better antedote. The mac truck is now a UPS truck. I'm happy with this. Ambulance. Heart studies for 3 days. I'm fine. It was a reaction to contrast dye. Don't use that again. OK.
But umm, I still have a stone in my liver duct, is it ok it's still there and I cant really eat?
I need to schedule that surgery with a busy surgeon. I have picked a new one, hopefully one that won't leave the stone in my liver duct and talk about it after surgery. Like I wonder where I put my keys, I'll look later...
I finally get to have a procedure to get the stone out of my bile duct. Umm...we have to use contrast dye to do this and well, we'll pump your body, under anesthesia with steroids and Benadryl until it won't react to the dye and then use it again. Don't worry you will be under anesthesia and it will be under control.
Too weak to fight anymore. God, I may be meeting you soon.
I made it! Alive! Stone gone, yay. I get to leave the hospital. Just liquid diet. I don't care, happy to lose weight and be home.
I started vomiting about 12 am. This seems to be my time. It's happened 4 times now. It's when we digest those meals we have at 7 pm after the busy day. Digestion wasn't working, something was wrong. Vomiting is the most scary and pain the most severe yet. I'm a chronic pain patient so pain is something I am used to. Not this pain. Something's very wrong.
My poor husband, can I wake him up AGAIN to ask him to take me to the hospital. Can it wait until AM? I waited until 4, those excruciating hours were the slowest hours of my life. I'm afraid. What is going on the pain is excruciating.
We went to a new ER facility closer to home but still affiliated to our hospital. I didn't even tell you about our lovely hospital experiences. There is no question in my mind that the health care system is so overburdened that the care is significantly suffering. It's mind boggling and maybe this is a different blog. Hospital experiences. That's a book. Really. Good and bad...
I am brought into the ER. Diagnosis Pancreatitis. I just had gall bladder surgery and then surgery to remove stone from bile duct. Ok mam but this is pancreatitis. I am asked 6 ways to Sunday if I drink alcohol. No, I'm a chronic pain patient. I do not drink. I am not believed. My husband is taken aside. Is she drunk? No. She doesn't drink. Well we won't treat her or give her pain meds until we double check her alcohol level. We need to know how much she had to drink. She doesnt' drink. Well I guess some people hide it well and so their husband might deny it (not really probably not but trying to not be so hard on them..Iguess it happens)...umm do I look like I drink too much? No red nose, blood veins in the nose, what do they look for. I'm hooked up to iv and throwing up so much I have a bucket glued to my face I can't even wretch anymore. They need me to go into the bathroom to pee. Really? My husbands having a fit. How about a bed pan? No. I get up and pee. I will do anything to make this pain go away.
Surprise! No alcohol in my system. Ok it will just be an hour for us to get your meds sent from pharmacy.
I made it but was in the hospital for 5 days. After having endoscopic surgery on the upper GI tract they can make the pancreas angry. Well the pancreas is a very important organ.
It turns out to be why a lot of things have happened to me and also the solution of some other things. And
with our American diet the pancreas needs help. Enzyme help. If we ate from the ground in our back yards we might be fine. But we don't in fact a lot of us don't eat the wholesome vegetables and fruits our bodies were built and designed around. Because of our fast lives we need it to be ready. A plant is not ready to eat between soccer practice and cotillion.
Pancreatic enzymes allow our immune system to fight off other things. You see our food/quality of food, digestion and lifestyle? It's hurting our immune system. Digesting unknown substances, processing everything, trying to seek out nutrients in the yoga mat of a burger roll, the iron in a processed burger that's complete with antibiotics and hormones from the cow that gave it to us. The fries, oh there's potato in there? It's a job and a half. And the immune system can't be doing other important things that are so complicated I can't even tell you. A printed chart of the chemical processes in our bodies at every second functioning of our digestion and our cells could not fit on the wall in your living room. The immune system is in there.
Why this whole big long story? My story went from chronic pain to cancer.